Sadomasochism or S & M offers a release of sexual and emotional energy that many couples do not get from everyday sex. It allows you to explore new roles and visit different places by pushing the boundaries, which can be an exhilarating escape from the everyday routine. More and more, these desires are being considered normal and even healthy.
What exactly is sadomasochism?
Sadism and masochism combined is a sexual activity in which one person enjoys inflicting physical or mental suffering on another person, who derives pleasure from experiencing that pain. It involves an unbalanced power relationship established through roleplaying and the diverse world of bondage.
How to get started
A good start to S & M is bondage, which involves consensual binding, restraining or tying your partner, for erotic, somatosensory stimulation. Some may ask: “How do I introduce something like that into the bedroom?” Try planting the seed in your partner’s mind that it might be something you want to try. In today’s world of technology, erotic fiction is easy to find. Try watching some in the comfort of your own home. Check out your partner’s reaction and go with the flow. You might be in for a huge surprise!
Bondage and bedroom games require and imply a surrender of control, by the restrained partner to the active partner. Communication is key. It’s important to establish a safety word before you begin. This means that all parties know that there is complete trust in the scenario, and you know that just saying one word will stop play immediately.
Some people who are complete novices might think, “if I need a safety word, this must be some really scary play”, but it really isn’t. “No” is usually the safety word for all kinds of sex, but when it comes to fetish play, “no” might not be enough because it might be part of the play, so that’s why safety words are recommended. You know that if you say “banana” midway through play, things are going to stop immediately.
This is where S & M bondage and fetish play can even build a relationship and create trust. You’re giving yourself to your partner so it’s not just about the sensation, it can really be quite romantic. The couples that stay together in the most enriching relationships are the ones that can be honest. So, if they feel secure enough to say, let’s explore what you really love, one of them might say, I would love to explore roleplay.
Sub, Dom or Switch?
When couples are considering the subject of S & M, they often feel pressure to label themselves as either the submissive or the dominant partner. Throughout the experimentation, you might well find that you favor one over the other. But we’re talking about absolute beginners and novices, so we say sample both at the beginning.
People tend to reference sub and dom, but there’s a third category: the switch. That’s somebody who likes to flip back and forth, depending on their mood and partner. In one relationship they might always be a sub, and in another they’re the dom. There’s nothing wrong with being a switch.
Be the first to try
The best way to make something non-intimidating is to volunteer to do it first. You might say: “I’m going to wear a blindfold tonight. I really want to try you massaging me while I’m wearing the blindfold”. And once they’ve done it, tell them how great it was. It’s almost reverse psychology. Show them what a great time you had while you were tied up. Trust us, they’ll be begging to try it later.
When it comes to S & M, start out simple. Don’t start bringing in loads of props that can be intimidating or overcomplicate things and become more of a distraction than an enhancement. Which is why blindfolds are so handy. Most of us have one lying around.
As soon as you block someone’s vision, it heightens their other responses, so they’re going to become sensitive to touch. Bondage is this idea of heightening both psychological and physiological responses. If you’re slipping a blindfold on to your partner and massaging them, they’re going to be sensitive to every touch and get more pleasure from the simplest of things. If you don’t have a blindfold lying around, a silk scarf, shirt tie or pair of tights are other alternatives.
When you’re ready to move into official S & M territory, restraint can be as simple as holding your partner’s arms where you want them. If you’re on top, try pinning their arms to the mattress. If they like that, you’re ready to take it to the next level. Suggest something like: “Let’s do this again but maybe use handcuffs this time, and then my hands are free to do other stuff to you while your hands are above your head”. Just use your hands to explore and see if you like where you’re going psychologically with your erotic play.
It is important to respect each other and take each other seriously, but at the same time, have fun! If you are not wearing a smile on your face in the bedroom, then you are not doing things right. So, it’s time to fly and give S & M a try! A good place to start if you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed is the Desire Resorts Fantasy Menu; after all, it’s all about taking baby steps.